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Pre destined

A teacher once told me that the most beautiful flower that anyone can lay their eyes can be found in the middle of a dense, dangerous and lush rainforest. This flower is so beautiful that anyone who sees this couldn't help but drop to their knees and cry. It is so beautiful that it makes you fall in love instantly and without any question you want to take care of it forever.

Then a question followed this story... What if no one will ever find this flower? What if of all those who passed by was not able to bother to seek a little harder into the bushes for this flower?

will it still be beautiful when no one is admiring it?

are we destined to be found? will someone be able to see that beautiful soul? no matter how we shine so bright, will someone ever gaze their eyes on that beautiful soul?

Doesn't matter if we put ourselves out there but if we are predestined -- no choice, no options and no free will can change that.

Unfortunately we can only see our destiny once everything ends.

And yet so far part 2

It was there but couldn't dare touch it. It is so close, but fear came out and stretched his hands and separated me from you.
It has been so long that it faded in my memory the "how it feel" moments.Confused on how this works and how it should feel.

does it mean that vision of you comes before sleep and just the seconds of waking up?

sometimes it felt so real in dreams that when awake, cravings of you engulf me.

accidentally i do it on purpose when urge of kissing you would make everything fine, fingertips running through your hair, your skin,wanting to touch your hand. apologies again - accidentally on purpose.

reasoning out why should a hug would make sense when you smile. a step closer it could be possible but reasons slides the door to remind it doesn't make sense at all. Only a hug can make this go away.

Hearing your voice soothes insecurities,lifts up doubts of when will all of this be happening.

when staring begin we communicate a lot of unwritten,unheard and unspeakable thoughts.

of which narrates why we can't be. We are near but you want it far.

By now you know.

So close Part 1

look how far you have gone. To far that i am not by your side anymore, you are too far.
I'm glad I gave you a lift, a jump start without fear.
But if I fear something I know i am gonna lose something.

I lost you...

but fear wasn't there to warn me.

You are indeed soaring and having the fun of your life. smiling, with someone else smile reflecting yours.
I am glad I experienced that smile before, without any regret.
But they say regret comes later.

I lost you...

but how come i didn't regret it.

Look how happy you are now, writing your own destiny and pages of your life. Even though I am not in it, I am still happy for you.
despite of this...no regret for happiness is in your face.

I lost you...

But i know how happy you are.I am happy too.

All that i wanted is to hold you so close, but every time you are near i can sense how far you are to me.
I chase after you just to be close to you...but i went far from myself.
Can i just be close to myself and to you.

But i already lost you.

I am back with myself and I can see you so far, but you'll always be near me. where it hurts the most.


2009 year end piece

In a little market i struggle to cut through the eternal crowd of people, stalls and cars who exerts every effort for their presence to be recognized. Standing in the sidewalk i gaze on the busy people, not understanding what they say but unraveling on what they are doing.

I just want to get lost.

Lost, for me to search a newer self.

Obliged to create my own music which for so long no one hears.
Writing my piece which no one ever read.

I get lost sometimes and yet i don't intend to hide.

More often i beg to exist, needed and be missed.

that is why i want to get lost, wishing someone would search for me.

"where have you been ?"

that question brings pleasure to my ear.

"I missed you"

brings melody into my being.

"I need you here in my side"

Completes my existence.

In reality i struggle in the midst of nowhere, still getting lost and searching for the soul that would miss mine.

This strange place, unfamiliar corners and unnamed faces lurks in my eyesight. I drift and courageously fight against fear. It doesn't take long for me to conquer it. When I do I hunt for another challenge.

Where do i belong?

I listen to myself speak, but too many voices speaks and to many contradiction with myself.

2010 please bring peace in me.

I have not written for so long. I got lost, drifted to far. With a little spark of hope I cling to it...praying that this time it would be different.

no time for regret.

no time to forgive.

No time....

new year, happy are those who found themselves and those they found.

Spirit has been sleeping all this time, walking without a soul.

Want to help myself, but I allow myself to be a victim of circumstances which I made.

looks like its about time to awaken this sleeping soul.


Losing you to gain myself

1,467 unread and read emails in my inbox. I couldn't decide which one to read first. These are the emails that I have received for the whole year of 2009. Looking at them makes me smile and nostalgic, for they contain thank you, please do this, i want you to, please be here, review this, more do this and why didn't you do this. Basically this was how my life turned out to be in the year 2009. I couldn't complain with the blessings and yet the thing that tags along with it... the challenges.

365.242199 days last year I was breathing but was not seeing. I was seeing yet I couldn't breathe... breathing and yet I couldn't see the things that is meant for me out there. I could see but not breathe freedom and practice my freewill. This year was really something to test on how tough your hopes and dreams are. How diligent you are in terms of reaching them. This is what all the books and bed time stories that we read when we were young is all about...in search for happy endings.

phase 1 - logical thinking

i used you.

I am such a user. Selfish and inconsiderate.

I like you by my side all the time, but the truth is you're the only 1 i have.

I tried to kiss you but you brush me off, the truth is it hurts a lot every time you do that. Still I smile and make a funny face to save me from embarrassment.

I want to look after you but you hate the way i do it - the truth is you simply just don't want me.

I tried to hold your hand, you complain because my hand is warm - the truth is every time i touch you - your touch is so cold.

I look at your eyes to see us - but the truth is I can only see me...because I am selfish and I only think of myself.

I think of you a lot, whatever decision I make there is always you - but the truth is you don't want to be part of it.

I held to hope for you - but the truth is I held it for myself... because you're my world.

I changed a lot because you told me so - but the truth is I just want you to like me more.

This is all about me - but in the end It is still you.

I love you but the truth is you don't love me anymore.

I want you in my life but the truth is you don't want me in yours.

I pretended but the truth is I suppressed my emotion.

I tighten the knot for you won't go far but the truth is you have untied it a long time ago.

I thought forever exist but the truth is ... in the end I have forever for myself.

candles and prayers

In order for you to want something more, do you have to offer more Or less for you if you have less to surrender...

could not remember what made me smile the first time I saw you...but I remember I gave up what I knew about love.

I gave my hopes to destiny and surrendered the fact that I can be beside you.

Seeing you being hurt doesn't make me feel happy when in fact I should be.

don't know what to say...

i give up what i felt for you, in return i shall be your friend.

I cant finish this anymore.

I shall start with a new start... that's all

Time forget - music by yiruma

Does time really forget?

listen to the night as it nulls us to sleep.Tomorrow is another day and another step.Forgetting what pains us and what wounded us.When we sleep we shut down the world and waltz in our own. Listening to only ourselves speak. Seeing ourselves looking at a mirror that reflect us looking back at ourselves, it is infinite, it is just ourselves now.

Trying to forget is so easy to do but the Rembrandt of it is so hard to get over specially if those memories are the best ones. Laughter and happiness is something so hard to bury. This is something so vehement to let go. Every time i think of happy thoughts I remember those consciousness. I remember those times...

Time heals but it only heal those wounds, not the part that made me whole, not the part that made me as what I am now.

If time can forget I would rather chose to forget the happiness not the sadness...

If time can forget I would forget me not you...

If only time can forget.

If time can only forget me for you...

If time can forget, you would chose to forget the sadness not the happiness...

Time heals but it also shatter the part that made you whole, the part that made you what you are now.

Trying to forget is easy, specially if what you recall made you grieve and doleful,when those time
made you lose all your expectations and phantasm. Every time you remember it made you wept and made you lie. Saying your fine but really you aren't.

Listen as the day slowly awaken you for tonight is another chance for time to forget, another path for us to educe the death inside us which happiness triggered. When we are awake we see ourselves as what we are, when we speak to ourselves, what we hear is our pain and when we look at the mirror,we see no one looking back.You have no one now.

Do we really forget in due time?


Cry me a river for I was wrong.

Listening to ourselves is a deafening guilt.

The truth is a wailing siren inside us, we can hear it from our heart, deeds and will.

Today, I woke up and my pillow is soaked from the river that I was sleeping in last night.

When I was about to cage Actuality - my Veracity slapped me and said Good morning.

Sunshine peeks through the blinds that covers my window, observing, awaiting for my acts that befits the way people look at me.

I ran to the shower and with all my might - i scrubbed my old self. I let the water run through my hair, my nape, my shoulders, my pelvic , my legs, my Soul. I watched as the icy water grabbed my yesterday and escort it down the drain.

I was dripping and with it Rembrandt of me that clung to my skin.

For the longest time I tried to fool myself, making myself see what I want to see and know what myself wants to know. Brushing everything else that exist in the real world - sensitivity, remorse and public platitude.

This is because I want to cleave to my belief that tomorrow and forever exist.

I want to say it out loud without remorse, guilt or public platitude imposing my silence.

I changed to my new self, looking at the mirror and was stunned with what I saw.

It was still me in the end.

It was still me to condemn.

Listening to ourselves is a solitary sanctuary.

The truth is also an uplifting remedy.

But I just can't grapple with it as of the moment.

Running with Time.

It has been my friend and foe...with it life passes by like the river flowing unto the sea. It is time to pay for my dues. i owe so much that I need to race with time, double time.

Every second spent makes me think - Am I doing the right thing? Am I in the wrong place? with the right people? with the wrong decision? Only time can answer...but then again time has beaten me in the race.

Is there any way that I would know for sure without time telling me that I am wrong or right?

While you are reading this ... Did I take the time you’re supposed to spend somewhere else? Is someone waiting for you? wasting or savoring their time in doing so...

I have spent so much time in waiting for someone’s love and even spent time in someone else love. SSpent time watching love die and witnessed it grow. This is unfair, why can't time just stop for awhile.

I have spent time holding on to a grudge and spent a vast amount of time in letting go...why does time heal something we want to cling. We are in the race again with time.

I want more sleep and yet time tells me that It is enough. I need to be with you still and yet time tells me it is time to go.

I ran with every last breath that I have just to be faster and tried to be ahead of time and I was for a second but for a moment I stopped, time didn't. he kept on moving forward.

he doesn't give up, he just moves forward and forward. Does time know where he is heading for?

I wonder what keeps him moving?

Maybe we should ask ourselves that question too for us to keep on moving...

What keeps you moving?

Delete the reasons like family, for my future, for world peace and LOVE

What keeps you moving?

Time, what is your reason for moving?

I searched for my answer and reason -- I looked everywhere.

when I looked at my watch all I have is time.



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